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Day 18
I don’t know what my problem is I think because I told you about Cheyenne. like since I told you I’ve been so >.> like ugh how do I explain this like almost like you don’t deserve to be sad you didn’t know her but I carried her I knew and I lost her>..> with you. I feel like everythings been taken from me/: I know I’m not making any sense but it’s like now I can’t face you it’s made things awkward. I wish I could take. ack telling you I really do/:
so you like went away no clue where you went but fuck it’s an ongoing thing. recently it’s like one minute your here the next some excuse like doctors appointments or the Internet is out or some shit. and every time I assume the worst that your back in the hospital. I mean I passed a wreck on the way to school and when I passed it I wished it was me. ive never done that. I mean the last two days have been ahit and I make my decision Monday and I’m telling you if I was able to now I would just walk away. there’s nothing keeping me here besides Alissa and I know when I leave you’ll use her to your advntage but I won’t let you. I love her but this is just torturous. I mean I’m back to going to bed early and just wanting nothing to do with you. I’d rather sleep and shit ugh oh well right. this is a lost cause. I was stupid to think opening up about Cheyenne would help us any. obviously did nothing and I’m left fuckin vulnerable like always. well i have class and I’m gonna go to bed as soon as im home. I’m done with today ha I’m throwin in the towel.
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Day 17
So I’m actually doing this at work because I know I won’t have the
energy when I get home. Today was eh, kind of shitty to say the least
but tbh its been the least of my worries today and It wasn’t even bri
I’m just idk I’m shutting down again and I’ve been taking my medicine
but idk all I know is next Monday is the day I’m supposed to reevaluate
our relationship and it’s killing me cause it doesn’t look positive at
the moment, seems to be the same amount if not even more issues. I don’t
know what to do tbh I’m just trying to go with the flow but its taking
me somewhere I’m not quite ready to go to. I don’t really know how to
explain it actually other then I can’t place it it’s almost like anxiety
and knots and excitement yet feeling dread at the same time, idk maybe I
really am going crazy. There’s just some things you can fix in the world
and us seems to be one of them. Every time I’m honest you freak out and then it’s like it doesn’t do us any good. I wanna be open like I was the other night but it’s hard to even think about becoming that vulnerable. idk let’s see if I can try. so the one besides everything I told you about not feeling good enough…the picture with Tiffany. ugh I still get knots and feel sick but it’s like you said how much you hate her and all this shit about her then turn around and take a picture with her where your legit grinning ear to ear and then you lied to me I thought you’d been cheating but the truth is I still haven’t been able to get that from my mind. or with Kayla god how you could fuck anyone else I mean I get it but it’s like it made me feel like all my suspicions was true I was always waiting for you to be like oh sike I dont love you and you did it for amusement or some shit. or all the “failed” attempts to come see me. why would I not feel anything but not good enough. I would bust my ass be my parents slave so you could stay there and everytime I looked like an idiot. you don’t know what that’s like ha looking like a fool or having people tell me “Erin he’s not coming” an I’d defend you “no this te is different he swore” and blah blah blah to the point people thought I was an idiot people do think I’m an idiot. you stripped every positive view I had about myself away. I worked for 4 years to build it after Cody and you ripped it down in 2 probably less who knows. I remember one night it was one of the first times you lashed out and broke up with me ha you broke up with me and I remember feeling like my whole world was gonna collapse like I couldn’t breathe. And I look back and you were my whole world then like I lived and breathed for you and it’s like watching from the outside when I think back of everything from that moment to here how youve turned into a different version of Cody and Josh. you didn’t physically hurt me but you hurt me worse then anyone could ever dream of I finally gave my whole heart to someone I thought I could trust that would take care of me and instead you’ve left it in pieces and even your attempts to put it back together aren’t enough. they say in marriage that you fall in and out of love and I believe it but were not even married and look at the shit we’ve caused to each other the pain and turmoil and just everything. really look at it and dont give me the optimistic answer or just from your side and think about it. when it really comes down to everything are you sure we’ll make it? cause I find us divorced in 5 years if we do or bein trapped unhappily cause we love our kids. I’ve been thinking about it a lot and you know my window to have kids is closing and your nowhere near close to being here or us even being at that point. I don’t see me getting married and if i try it’s never to you it’s to someone else and no idk who it’s just idk it’s not you and it’s different then what we talked about and what I wanted with you. it’s just getting really hard not to freak out or just give up with these feelings. but yeah I’m done for now of I feel like posting later I will. -
Day 16
So today was Gracelins party and i’ve been running non stop, im aware im very stand offish today and idk why but yeah i really wish you could understand. think of it like cancer chase im gonna have good days/weeks and im gonna have bad days/weeks. Its gonna be an ongoing battle for hte rest of my life and i hate to think about everything right now its like ugh you can’t understand it. I’m mourning, if that makes sense. im mourning over kinley and kenzie and jax and all the other kids ill never get to have. it kills me and its been eating at me and i don’t even want you to try and fix it i just need my space and i need to do this on my own…i’m sorry but this is one thing you’ll just end up making worse if you try/:
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day 15
So today was hard to say the least, i know i need to take my meds and i guess i just forgot idk how i mean i have my alarm to go off but last night idk i think i mixed meds i wasn’t supposed to cause for the life of me i couldn’t fully wake up i been tired all day and idk i know i shoulda just taken my xanax and not the pain pills but i hate feeling like that. feeling like that again after getting a break for a few days was really nice and i hate that feeling. it scares me to be honest and i know last night prob wasn’t the best for you cause the post and im not really up to being THAT open again. i mean part of me wanted you to talk to me about and judt talk and talk and talk about it and then part of me doesn’t. i mean my goal wasn’t to make you cry and oddly idk you saying you did made me feel better/: does that make me sadistic? But i think i got it as good as i could so you can see where im at how i feel and why i think and act the way i do besides the usual responses. Its hard loving you…i mena how can you hate and love someone at the same time. i mean yeah i’ve been doig better but how i feel hasn’t vchanged and i feel like your expectig or hoping this medicine fixes 98% of our issues. its like i told you i’ll never truly be okay ever again. you add the stuff with tiffany and i think you can get where my lack of self esteem comes from. i had more self esteem 3 yeard ago then i do now.when i say no one could want me like that its because i truly believe that, yeah i get guys but its because of my personality and as fucked up as it sounds it would be nice for one guy to just wanna fukc me cause im hot but i know it will never be like that but im about to pass out like bad and this is a glass desk so if you want we can have a serioud convo about this but be reminded ill prob pass out and i cnat stay up late but im gonna guess that you didnt ask jen about the picture, you have no idea how bad that still hurts me ha.
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day 14
so it’d been a week since I’ve done one if these. I feel bad but it’s been a tough few weeks. I’ve had some really days some so dark I can’t tell you because it will hurt you. I was terrified and I was trying so hard to fight. for you for Alissa gracelin kinley and Kenzie. even tho Kenzie and kinley aren’t here they are to me. this past year I’ve slowly slipped into a depression and you know this but I’m trying to open up to once again lay my heart put in hopes you don’t break it. I’m cryin I’m nervous my stomach churning. after the thing with Abby it was so heart breaking. I remember the burning sensation in my chest the tearing feeling. I couldn’t move I just started shaking so bad and the tears started coming I couldn’t stop them. my world crashed you were my superman chase. you understood me you believed in me you made me feel so Amazing and suddenly I didn’t feel good enough like I could never amount to the girls up there. my biggest fear had happened and it was with someone I trusted you with someone that knew us both that helped us the one person I trusted you whole heartedly. I felt played abd stupid I wondered if it had been going on. I felt inadequate. I was pregnant with someone else’s baby and we had talked through it. I fought for you abd you loved me enough to stay. then I started doubting everything. I felt like my family was ripped apart. that you took my daughter with you. I didn’t just lose you that day I lost her too I can’t explain it. so this family I’d built that we both wanted cause neither of us felt we belonged. I’m pregnant with YOUR child. you loved her and wanted her and you hurt her too. it was like that brief moment was worth losing me abd gracelin. I threw up for days I cried til I couldn’t I begged god to take my life because my heart was so broken. I knew it was beyond repair I knew that for the rest of my life I’d never again feel good about myself or good enough for you. my self esteem shattered. I lost everything. i had finally fully trusted someone, no secrets about my life. I was finally healing over the abuse abd rape. I was feeling what love was supposed to feel like. I felt like number one in someone’s life and I’ve necer been Number one. but last December you took it all. the 2yesr anniversary then her I felt unwanted and used and played and like my whole world fell apart. you were the first that didn’t see me as damaged goods and you were my best friend. I knew within 3 month you were it for me and tome went on you abused my love eberythinv I poured into it cause I never wanted you to doubt. I know I keep going in circles but the main point of this is it started a downward spiral all the progress I made went away. I didn’t trust anyone my heart was guarded I pushed out all my friends. I felt ugly and gross and nothing more then some girl that got played. we were supposed to be a family it was the one thing I held so fear to my heart cause no one could tell me that Alissa wasn’t mine that you weren’t and I felt abandoned while pegnant we agreed she was yours. you heated on your pregnant fiancé. if you could cheat on me then why not before that. I was at my most vulnerable. my rock was gone my best friend gone. you disappeared long before you cheated and I fought to keep you with me I’ve never tried so hard in my life but it was never good enough. so with my family torn apart what was I to do. I cut while pregnant I never told you that but I had a reminder of you inside me and it killed me every night. I didnt wanna leave Alissa which was and still is the main reason I stayed and am still here but it’s not the same. I’m afraid to love her fully in case she’s taken away. so we talked and I had constant issues with gracelin and I remember telling my mom if it came down to it that they were to slave gracelin not me. I didn’t wanna live. so then I had gracelin and I see the lips and it’s like my heart just tears open because I now know I’m stuck with this reminder of you. I was a single mom. it was like I went through a divorce and I was alone. I couldn’t stand to look at you I would legit get sick but again it came down to the girls. so as months went by I continued to try and everytime I really tried you’d hurt me. my final heart wrenching thing I couldn’t stand and still can’t I can’t even legit talk about it or I cry is the roller coaster and hell you puts trough about coming to see me. I felt like I wasn’t food enoight again like I was worthless just some slut you found on the Internet for a good laugh. the way you treatede during that te because I wanted you to see gracelin to try on us even though my heart was still in pieces. I did ally he work and then I spend a month. of waiting on you. begging you tofu hire out a way and it got to the point my self esteem took another hit. I got depressed again. crying myself to sleep everynight begging god for me not to love you anymore. I couldn’t believe you would hurt me and gracelin like that I felt like I did nothing better to keep her safe then as of I let josh in her life. I’ve seen her break apart over you I made sure she knew you. you said things that I’ll never forget while you were there. but you telling me you didn’t make the flight for my birthday cause I did something it was so hurtful and then on mothers say. you kept my kid from me and there were plenty of ways to get here and I tried to work with you and I waited feeling like and idiot and them you GINALLY get here and I’m so nervous I had outfits picked our all done up ready to see you. you stand me up, not only that you don’t really try to get here. so again I feel I’m not good enoigh. then you left without a word or an attempt to make a chance. my world crashed again because at that point I KNEW I’d never be food enough. wcause of I was down the road I would have walked or somethif I would have made it and you left without a word. I cried for days. I still cry at the sight of airplanes and holiday inns so I went into a deeper depression because I had done everything I could I offered you me and your daughter and you refused ugh I’m bawling overe here like an idiot. you made me feel like how my dad used to. making me feel bad about not seeing hol them ignoring me while I was there. you would attack me for not believing and then I would and you’d never show. I felt ugly. damaged. heartbroken. like living wasn’t worth it. but I had gracelin. and as time went on it only got worse. I felt more and more like I’d never be good enough cause even me trying despite everything wasn’t good enoight. I still cry prob3 nights out of the week. my heart is still on pieces and I still pray that I’ll wake up one day and let go. I know you’ve watched me go so deep with this depression and for awhile I was scared chase. that I wouldn’t make it, I wanted to kill myself more times then I can count to escape the pain. I would lay here and come up with plans on how to do it I can’t even drive down the road without the thought of purposely crashing my car at high speeds onto the concrete barriers. I debate overdosing. I’m at the rock bottom to the point im scared. I’m scarsdto try and love you or let you in. simple things I can’t do. you don’t understand when I can’t say I love you I legit can’t say it. I’m still heartbroken no better then before I still feel like I’m not good enough and that will NEVER go away because of the past and I don’t want you wasting time trying to convince me. this is me being so vulnerable and open right now. you’veanaged to take away my love my kids my ability to be a truely amazing mom. you took away me feeling safe and loved. you took away my best friend and my husband. I’ll never truly be ok that girl your in love with chase died back in April it hurt just as much actually more then the cheating. I think you’ve finally seen just how bad you’ve affected me the depression has never been this bad. I just hope toucan see where I’m coming from. I fight every day to be here but one day I’m afraid I won’t be able to fight because I won’t have the willpower to keep hurting. I’m in pain whenever we talk even when we don’t. I’m scared chase you only saw a glimpse of my rock bottom and yes things are looking up but do me a favor next time you get frustrated just remember everything I’m having to pverce just for 3 simple words. loving you is a world of pain but despite that I’m here because my superman is in there I just haven’t found him and I’m sorry if this makes no sense my message kicked on and il fighting passing out. hope this makes up for a week even if it isn’t up beat just realize I just poured out my heart and I’ve never been so afraid.
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I wish you cared as much as i did about us. I really care about you and love you. but i don’t feel you do the same. I am getting sick of the way you treat me and then you blame it on “one of your moods” no no. I honestly don’t understand how i can love a fucked up boyfriend like you.
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Photo Courtesy: dontakeitforgranted
(via wackydoodleheart)
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(via wackydoodleheart)
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Day 13
so needless to say I’m so angry with you I can’t see straight. you go to run two goddamn errands knowing how I feel about you even driving and I try to be fuckin supportive bit this is too far you’ve abused it yet again. I’ve been going our of my mind. I has my family Christmas and you ruined it. the whole time I was so fuxkin worried about you ice popped about 5 Xanax do I can actually sleep I fuxkin got sick
at my cousins cause I’m so goddamn worried its just straight up inconsiderate. I can’t even put into words how I feel except as of right now I hate you. you knew I was having an EXTREMELY hard day. don’t be surprised if I ignore your ass for the next few days. I have you an inch and you took a mile and you’ve made me having panic attacks. puke and cry. you officially ruined anything that was left every brownie point you earned between nov 16th and 2
days ago…GONE!! ha fuxk for all I know your fuxkin out with some girl. I’m done here I can’t wait for jan 16th so my month is up and I can get the fuck out of here. sweet dreams ass hole -
Day 12
so it’s been 2 days since ive done this. right now I’m driving abd doin this prob not too safe but oh well. I know my past few have been shitty and we haven’t been in the best place and were on a roller coaster and everything is confusing and just idk I’m having a hard time. I’m glad you decided to go with Jen. but I was thinking like would it bug you if rob got engaged before you did or married. idk it was in my mind today I’ve had a lot harder time then what I’ve lead on. part of my stomach issues I’m just not happy like not with just you but with my life. ik seriously depressed and I hate it but I just fake so much and no one knows im dying inside that I’m not okay. and then I’ll have a day I just cant do it abd people wonder why the sudden mood change. I hate I’m not and it’s hard to accept the fact im so depressed or to even admit it/: I can’t even pin point why I’m so unhappy I feel frustrated today as while I’m glad josh is out of the picture how can you just not care I mean same with Cecily. I mean she’s got a bf again let’s hope she keeps her legs closed. I’m at the point where I feel like my life is shit and I’m unable to get it to a point where I’m happy. but anyways your out right now and I’m proud you went because you need to accept they are your family and I know your sister and your mom hell your whole family has made today hard but I’m glad you listened and talked to Jen and that you accepted the invite making you a part of their family
so maybe you won’t feel like your imposing because I know Jen doesn’t feel that way she wouldn’t take Carr of you and Alissa the way she does of she did. now we are at ihop and I’m starving and I kinda wish you were hope. it’s weird not having you
around to talk to. I miss you.
